Sunday, April 4, 2010


I've been jokingly called a control freak. At least I think it was jokingly. But I'm less that than a seeker of certainty. I like knowing what's on the path I choose -- where it will lead, and just as importantly, where it's likely not to lead.

Certainty is illusory, I know -- the best laid plans, and all that... But even acknowledging that, there's still that tendency in me. And just as I'm sure of that, I'm sure it's led me to decisions, situations and even relationships that haven't served me well.

A lot of certainty has been stripped away, of late, both by circumstance and my own choices. I find it unnerving, but I think there's potential for it to be refreshing. It isn't, yet, but could be.

Even so, uncertainty has brought me an appreciation for how impermanent most everything is, and understanding that -- truly grocking it -- may provide a new context in which to make decisions. It's also gotten me thinking about time scales differently. Yes, I have important decisions to make, but I don't need to decide most of them -- maybe any of them -- right now. Instead of analyzing the data and making a decision quickly, I could slow down. Work on being the best me I can, for myself and for others. Let the path unfold at its own pace, and focus on the joy found along the way. Decide later. Or never.

I'm working on that, and on seeing past uncertainty to the opportunity that accompanies it. The certain path is in many cases the most conservative one. And it seems doubtful, even to a seeker of certainty, that the most conservative path is the most interesting of those in reach.

All for now,


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